Unpleasant (making it minus the 'un')

It is not male or female, nor man or woman. It does not discriminate and can come at any age or state. Hurt.

There are times in our lives where we are hurt by others, ourselves, inward and outward, deserving and undeserving, inevitably unavoidable. It is written, "makhtub" for hurt to come and change us, to bind us, to break us, to mend and heal us, to free us from fear, it has a purpose and we must over come it.

Life contains expected and unexpected challenges. Those that we plan for and those that take us by surprise. The problem lies, when we become stuck in our state of sadness or pain so much so, that it stunts our growth. The venom of revenge boils in us and proves to be and additional parasite that eats at our happiness.

From this, we must look forward. Fulfilling our next dream, destiny, step and success...we must prove to ourselves that we can build and move upward. We must realize that time heals all things. To keep from sounding optimistic, I will say that the light at the end of the tunnel is not always visible, depending on how deep the hurt is for you. You must convince yourself, however, that there is a light, a Divine light that is urging you to come to greatness, to succeed.

If you are the helper to the hurting, a few tips:

*Be Private!!!! - Don't go running and telling Any One's business. PERIOD.

*Be Sincere - If you can help, help. If not, then say something encouraging and move on. No one hurting needs pity, they need support.

*Be Honest - Giving your honest opinion of the situation (emphasis on you saying 'your opinion') is key.

*Encourage Reflection - Ask the person to recount the story of hurt and let the person process their feelings about the situation and the actions contained. Don't press for information that you don't need (i.e. - names, location, familial ties...)

*Validate - Let the person know that you acknowledge their feelings. Many times, we disregard the hurt of someone we may see as very strong. So comfort and validate, all things can happen to anyone.

I could go on forever, but be a friend, encourage the person to live in the moment and in the present and to reflect on the lessons that can be learned and looked forward to.

Here are some quotes from a blog I frequent. I pray that may also touch some of you out there who are hurting or helping the hurt. Blog Address - http://lessonsoftheday.blogspot.com/

"The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well. Hurt is a fact of life. until we accept and allow the hurt as inevitable, we cannot begin to deal more effectively with the hurts of life. As human beings, we will hurt and be hurt. None of us is invulnerable. Not only do circumstances upset us, but we hurt each other, not necessarily intentionally or maliciously. We disappoint, criticize, oppose, anger, injure, and withhold from one another all the time.

"Because we refuse to accept and include hurt and the suffering that may follow as an inevitable aspect of human experience, hurt takes us by surprise and we never learn effective ways to deal with it. It is not wrong to hurt, but it is tragic that we let our reactions to hurt and our fear of hurt run our lives." [Judy Tatelbaum, You Don't Have to Suffer]

"We hold hurt as wrong. We think that hurt should simply not happen to us. We imagine if we were good enough or mature enough or strong enough, we would not hurt. Longing to be superhuman-----not human-----we deny the inevitability of hurting and being hurt. As a result we are outraged and often overwhelmed when we are hurt or disappointed.

"If we only accepted that hurts happen, we would be much more effective in dealing with them. Then we could freely admit to inflicting or feeling hurt. With such a consciousness, we could simply recoil momentarily from pain and not feel damaged by every hurtful event in our lives. We would certainly be freer to forgive and forget, the most powerful way we can overcome hurt." [Judy Tatelbaum, You Don't Have to Suffer]

Sin Sonido (Without Sound)

The very questions that we desire to answer or have answered can be inaccessible and un-figure-out-able, we must persevere. Delving into our own roots and dirt we must strive to build a knowledge base that can provide us with the 'know' how and come to correct conclusions.

The absence of silence in the city is making me crazy. I've clung to the familial, social and religious aspects to feed my insanity, but at times the silence is never enough to quench my thought-filled thirst. I then ask, from what others have already stated, why is it that I feel so alone in a city, in a place, where so many people occupy every single nook and cranny?! I am unable to cozy next to a tree of my own, due to the surplus of others who wish to enjoy the limited green afforded to us in this concrete jungle.

Caged birds forget how to fly. A singer in a room of loud music forgets her sound. Running in place is void of scenery and inevitably, moving forward.

Do not be afraid of the silence. Your thoughts wish to be loud and clear and HEARD. Gravitating to your dreams and facilitating goals that are clearly labeled and organized are your 'All Access' pass to happiness.

How do you know what you want unless you ask? How do you ask if you do not have time? How do you make time when you have so many other things to do? How do you do what you need to do, in order to make time? Now what? ...make time.

Persistence in all things linked with our Creator never fail. Goodness wins, always. Intention is key. We were not created to wait for things to happen. We were given intellect and consciousness which lead us into knowledge and light. The light of space and time to reflect. These reflections make for very clear plans of our future.

We listen to the cries of a child across the room, restaurant, street or train. We do not understand his/her feelings, wants or needs. It takes a personal connection of a parent or close one to really know. How do we then, expect to know our own needs if we do not even know ourselves?

Get to know that child, that inner being, your thoughts, dreams, goals, desires, wants, needs, fears...know them so you can respond to them, react properly to them, and plan for when your most wanted and desired things (of this life and the next) manifest themselves and penetrate your thoughts as reality.
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Fantasia

Hay un mundo de fantasia. The hold is muy fuerte. Pero.... Pues.... Podrias sobrevivir.

A world full of fantasy can cripple you if you let it. A friend once questioned aloud, "Does life imitate art or does art imitate life?" Well, what do you think? (This is a rhetorical question I might add)...

We are given reality mixed with fantasy every day. Love, Grief, Life, Death, Happiness, Struggle, and Triumph. It is up to us to decide what we take into our unconscious and what we leave to fly away into the world of fantasia.

Of course I've had my share of falls into the fantasy world, some hold on to me tighter than others...

Leaving behind a world of brutal criticism and unbelievable competition is a treat. Absorption in a song (Mo Better by Raheem DeVaughn), a book(s) (Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer), a movie (The Shawshank Redemption), a website (Zen Habits - Leo Babauta), in nature (Caumsett Park, LI), and of course, the constant streaming of your thoughts...can be, a wonderful "stay-cation" (lol).

Making decisions that go against the nature of Divine Decision is not the smartest thing to do in reality. Swimming in thoughts of fantasy or non-reality can influence you into wanting what you think you need, versus inquiring and striving with The Creator to make your plans. After all, wouldn't you consult your Guide before walking off the path? ...yes.

We waste so much time projecting our thoughts on what could be (future) that we totally miss...Totally...TOTALLY....MISS, what our today can bring us. If we spent more time watching the details and paying attention to the scenes, act by act for signs that show us what is to come, we'd be better off, better informed, and better PREPARED.

I mean seriously, how many times do we watch a movie more than once, only to find that we've missed intricate details that could have given us clues into what is next, or helped us to see more details and make more sense of what is happening? How much better off would we be using the reality of "paying attention to detail" to actually watch "art imitate life" or "life imitate art"...

I'll let you ponder on that, meanwhile, I'm going back to paying attention to the details that will inform my next move.

*The pic above is from Forks, WA (...yeah.)
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Familia

Family comes from the heart, from home, through religion, at work, in passing, and in the mind.

I find family in the most unlikeliest of places. Life has its changes and its benefits, challenges too. Family comes in and out of your life to give you what you need, exactly when you need it (also called Divine Intervention).

The key to maintaining this 'family' of many forms calls each of us to trust and respect. The stranger who alerts you so you do not forget your bag or umbrella -- there was an element of trust there. Someone who asks you what you need when you leave for your break -- caring. The disagreement over responsibilities and expectations -- honesty. Giving an honest opinion about someone's character or conduct -- transparency.

Every familial relationship is a delicate balance that requires give and take. There is no "I" in family (the "i" in family really means 'important')... :)

There are some friends in my life whom I've known for years and although we may have spent many many hours, days, etc. together, the ties still remain despite distance or frequency of conversation. These ties are a bond that does not require micromanaging, but instead, flourishes as a tree, needing only sunshine (phone calls, letters) and water (memories of days past). Have you watered your 'family tree' lately?

All this to say, treasure those relationships you have built, and don't waste so much time counting the rings on the tree (you did this then, where where you when...) but instead, inquire about how their leaves (emotions) roots (goals and aspirations) trunks (spiritual life) are doing. That way, the eternal rings of friendship can grow until you no longer think about the struggles or difficulties present, but you bask in the shade that you have created, together.

Brings a new meaning to the phrase 'tree of life' huh? :)

NYT Article - "What Are Friends For? A Longer Life"
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/21/health/21well.html
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My 2 Sense

My Sources:

1. "A Few Good Men? The Muslim American Woman's Dilemma" - http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2008/06/10/a-few-good-men-the-muslim-american-womans-dilemma/

2. "A Muslim Man's Response to "A Few Good Men" - http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/a-muslim-mans-response-to-%E2%80%9Ca-few-good-muslim-men%E2%80%9D/

3. Life.


I think the whole marriage process in Islam is a seemingly organized mess. There are so many things I have been learning in the past few months with regards to categorizing people based on personal and societal choices and restrictions, that this marriage situation is becoming clearer to me. I hope I can communicate it to you all as clearly as it sounds in my head. *This is ~my~ opinion on the subject I'm gonna keep it real and honest...

With recent attempts by our Muslim communities and social networks to bring more understanding to the young folks with regard to the marriage process, I (and many others I'm sure) have left feeling even more confused and frustrated. Despite most things being very clear in Islam about prayer, fasting, charity giving, etc. we seem to be unable to really grasp the clarity of the marriage process. Our Prophetic tradition (may Allah Bless our Prophet and give him peace), does not go in line with the current American traditions that are here.

My BIGGEST frustration since becoming Muslim wasn't the praying, fasting, hijab, or keeping halal...it was figuring out interactions between men and women. In the end, no matter our position in the world or in this deen, we long to be loved. How, when, or who it is, is not a part of our knowledge until Allah makes us aware. But in the meantime, most of us don't know what the hell we're doing.

We want to be friends with the guy first, but then how do we tell them we're interested? What do we say? Do we ask them for coffee? Is that haram? So many questions, and a plethora of answers that can send us in circles with no end and no answers. What needs to happen (and I am willing to volunteer for this), is we need to understand 'the other.' We need to facilitate discussions with men and women present and ready to be real and help the other side understand, genuinely.

From the articles I realized how much we are wasting time if we are not being honest with ourselves. My mother and I spoke about my plans for the next year, and she bluntly told me, "If you want to get married then concentrate on that, if you want to go to school, then concentrate on that. I don't care what you do, but you need to make a decision." So there you have it. It is a choice you make. When you are really ready to be married, you will have no qualms about approaching a person or sending someone on your behalf. And the 'where are all the good men?' question is a cop out. There are some amazing brothers out here, some of which I know very well, and it is all a matter of time and space and intentions aligning with Divine Will. You can't manufacture or simulate that, you have to prepare yourself for when the time arrives. Be open to it. My mom tells me, "Look Single!" (lol)

We have to show a continual appreciation and admiration for the opposite sex. You attract what you send out. As the 'Muslim Man Response' post mentions "Where have the good Muslim men gone? The danger of this statement and mentality is that it is designed to reassure women that there really is a shortage of good Muslim men. This prevents Muslim women from understanding the reality of the situation; that for most of them, the reason they are still single is because of their past actions and their attitudes towards men and marriage." If you are sending out negativity, you won't have a positive view of the person you intend to 'get to know better.' Love the difference, love the polar opposites and complimentary actions and attributes of the other. A man's love and a woman's love manifests itself in different ways.

In recent conversations with my mother and uncle (paternal) they spoke about both of my grandmothers with such reverence and awe. Their ability to work, cook, clean, etc. with no complaint. It was just expected. When I asked them well why not me? They replied with a 'we don't want that for you.' It was a view of resentment for the expectations of my grandfathers. The unwillingness to help or make things lighter, but a blatant display of taking their wives for granted. This is something that I have kept in mind throughout my growth as a woman and as a professional. The 'Where Are All The Good Men' post made me rethink my goals when she said "I have no problem with a woman who chooses to be a wife and a mother, but I do have problem if she believes that is all she can be … or doesn’t define herself as accomplished until she attains her MRS. Degree.” All that to say, marriage shouldn't define you, it should compliment you and enhance who you are.

So, how do we get there? We start by building non-threatening friendships with people who we care about and enjoy. From there, I have chosen to make myself known as an ally and insider should someone need. I have become a database of information that stays confidential. I tell brothers if the conversation arises, that they can view me as a connection to the 'sister' world. If they have questions they can ask, if there is someone they like I can help, if they need advice, I will be there.

A community that is free from judgment and pressure flourishes with healthy relationships, including marital. We just have to relax and let Allah take control. We should start thinking about marriage and what we want in realistic terms (http://seastarmemoirs.blogspot.com/2009/03/simple-grocery-list.html). We have to consider what is in front of us and not doubt our ability to be happy or make someone else adore us. We have to be real with ourselves. None of us is perfect, and if we wait on perfection for ourselves or for others, it will never come. Perfection in humanity only exists in Jennah. I pray we all arrive there safely with our spouses and families inshaAllah Ameen.
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Do You Remember When....

When phone conversations were filled with life and with experience.

When I listened to everything you said without multitasking.

When I prompted meetings in cafes or over dinner.

When I began to create friendships in person...

When there was no internet that disconnected us.

When phone calls were clear because of a wall connection.

When hearing and listening were more important.

When sharing life was superior.

I remember when there was no pressure to imitate someone else.

I remember when breakfast was not on the run, but at the table.

I remember when the commute was a long walk through trees and nature.

I remember when being single was preferable and ok.

I remember when I lived alone. It was amazing.

I remember when working was exciting and fulfilling.

I remember when volunteering was about the people you serve and not about the administration.

I remember when I was appreciated.

I remember when compliments were genuine.

I remember when family was close.

Do you miss friendships that did not have conditions?

Do you want to walk along the beach and inhale the soft breeze of freedom?

Do you long for a time where people are genuinely and indiscriminately considerate?

Do you want your family back in your life?

Do you need to seek out others to fulfill your happiness?

Do you yearn for a time when people can just say how they feel?

Do you consult yourself before consulting others?

Do you rely on and ask God for all that you need?

Do you stop to feel the sunshine on your face or watch the rain as it falls from the sky?

Do you love unconditionally? (you should)

Do you remember when...?
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Squeak!

It runs along walls in darkness afraid of the light. It scurries and leaves traces of its travels and steals what it can through sneaky ways and quiet nature. You can hear it chewing softly as it leaves only crumbs for you. Listen. Can you hear it? Multiplying through forms unseen, there are masses of these that make women screech and run away. But its 'so cute' we say, not wanting to trap and dispose of it. It is masked in softness but inside they are all the same. Hearing the slightest noise is their protection. Available to move before you can, they escape as you draw near. They run. They run fast. Waiting for the right moment you let it take the bait. It is hidden and found where it looks and lurks and waits for the sweet treat to appear. But sweetness is no longer there, a trap is set instead. Crammed inside this jail, none of its kind can escape, they must wait to be set free by their own wit. As preventative measure we put all valuable and nourishing things inside unscented, tightly sealed containers which are out of reach to them. They no longer have anything to look for, and because their sight is impaired, their view of reality is distorted, and therefore they are lost until another one of us finds them....