My Sources:
1. "A Few Good Men? The Muslim American Woman's Dilemma" - http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2008/06/10/a-few-good-men-the-muslim-american-womans-dilemma/
2. "A Muslim Man's Response to "A Few Good Men" - http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/a-muslim-mans-response-to-%E2%80%9Ca-few-good-muslim-men%E2%80%9D/
3. Life.
I think the whole marriage process in Islam is a seemingly organized mess. There are so many things I have been learning in the past few months with regards to categorizing people based on personal and societal choices and restrictions, that this marriage situation is becoming clearer to me. I hope I can communicate it to you all as clearly as it sounds in my head. *This is ~my~ opinion on the subject I'm gonna keep it real and honest...
With recent attempts by our Muslim communities and social networks to bring more understanding to the young folks with regard to the marriage process, I (and many others I'm sure) have left feeling even more confused and frustrated. Despite most things being very clear in Islam about prayer, fasting, charity giving, etc. we seem to be unable to really grasp the clarity of the marriage process. Our Prophetic tradition (may Allah Bless our Prophet and give him peace), does not go in line with the current American traditions that are here.
My BIGGEST frustration since becoming Muslim wasn't the praying, fasting, hijab, or keeping halal...it was figuring out interactions between men and women. In the end, no matter our position in the world or in this deen, we long to be loved. How, when, or who it is, is not a part of our knowledge until Allah makes us aware. But in the meantime, most of us don't know what the hell we're doing.
We want to be friends with the guy first, but then how do we tell them we're interested? What do we say? Do we ask them for coffee? Is that haram? So many questions, and a plethora of answers that can send us in circles with no end and no answers. What needs to happen (and I am willing to volunteer for this), is we need to understand 'the other.' We need to facilitate discussions with men and women present and ready to be real and help the other side understand, genuinely.
From the articles I realized how much we are wasting time if we are not being honest with ourselves. My mother and I spoke about my plans for the next year, and she bluntly told me, "If you want to get married then concentrate on that, if you want to go to school, then concentrate on that. I don't care what you do, but you need to make a decision." So there you have it. It is a choice you make. When you are really ready to be married, you will have no qualms about approaching a person or sending someone on your behalf. And the 'where are all the good men?' question is a cop out. There are some amazing brothers out here, some of which I know very well, and it is all a matter of time and space and intentions aligning with Divine Will. You can't manufacture or simulate that, you have to prepare yourself for when the time arrives. Be open to it. My mom tells me, "Look Single!" (lol)
We have to show a continual appreciation and admiration for the opposite sex. You attract what you send out. As the 'Muslim Man Response' post mentions "Where have the good Muslim men gone? The danger of this statement and mentality is that it is designed to reassure women that there really is a shortage of good Muslim men. This prevents Muslim women from understanding the reality of the situation; that for most of them, the reason they are still single is because of their past actions and their attitudes towards men and marriage." If you are sending out negativity, you won't have a positive view of the person you intend to 'get to know better.' Love the difference, love the polar opposites and complimentary actions and attributes of the other. A man's love and a woman's love manifests itself in different ways.
In recent conversations with my mother and uncle (paternal) they spoke about both of my grandmothers with such reverence and awe. Their ability to work, cook, clean, etc. with no complaint. It was just expected. When I asked them well why not me? They replied with a 'we don't want that for you.' It was a view of resentment for the expectations of my grandfathers. The unwillingness to help or make things lighter, but a blatant display of taking their wives for granted. This is something that I have kept in mind throughout my growth as a woman and as a professional. The 'Where Are All The Good Men' post made me rethink my goals when she said "I have no problem with a woman who chooses to be a wife and a mother, but I do have problem if she believes that is all she can be … or doesn’t define herself as accomplished until she attains her MRS. Degree.” All that to say, marriage shouldn't define you, it should compliment you and enhance who you are.
So, how do we get there? We start by building non-threatening friendships with people who we care about and enjoy. From there, I have chosen to make myself known as an ally and insider should someone need. I have become a database of information that stays confidential. I tell brothers if the conversation arises, that they can view me as a connection to the 'sister' world. If they have questions they can ask, if there is someone they like I can help, if they need advice, I will be there.
A community that is free from judgment and pressure flourishes with healthy relationships, including marital. We just have to relax and let Allah take control. We should start thinking about marriage and what we want in realistic terms (http://seastarmemoirs.
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My 2 Sense
Friday, April 10, 2009Do You Remember When....
Wednesday, April 8, 2009When phone conversations were filled with life and with experience.
When I listened to everything you said without multitasking.
When I prompted meetings in cafes or over dinner.
When I began to create friendships in person...
When there was no internet that disconnected us.
When phone calls were clear because of a wall connection.
When hearing and listening were more important.
When sharing life was superior.
I remember when there was no pressure to imitate someone else.
I remember when breakfast was not on the run, but at the table.
I remember when the commute was a long walk through trees and nature.
I remember when being single was preferable and ok.
I remember when I lived alone. It was amazing.
I remember when working was exciting and fulfilling.
I remember when volunteering was about the people you serve and not about the administration.
I remember when I was appreciated.
I remember when compliments were genuine.
I remember when family was close.
Do you miss friendships that did not have conditions?
Do you want to walk along the beach and inhale the soft breeze of freedom?
Do you long for a time where people are genuinely and indiscriminately considerate?
Do you want your family back in your life?
Do you need to seek out others to fulfill your happiness?
Do you yearn for a time when people can just say how they feel?
Do you consult yourself before consulting others?
Do you rely on and ask God for all that you need?
Do you stop to feel the sunshine on your face or watch the rain as it falls from the sky?
Do you love unconditionally? (you should)
Do you remember when...?
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Squeak!
Friday, April 3, 2009
It runs along walls in darkness afraid of the light. It scurries and leaves traces of its travels and steals what it can through sneaky ways and quiet nature. You can hear it chewing softly as it leaves only crumbs for you. Listen. Can you hear it? Multiplying through forms unseen, there are masses of these that make women screech and run away. But its 'so cute' we say, not wanting to trap and dispose of it. It is masked in softness but inside they are all the same. Hearing the slightest noise is their protection. Available to move before you can, they escape as you draw near. They run. They run fast. Waiting for the right moment you let it take the bait. It is hidden and found where it looks and lurks and waits for the sweet treat to appear. But sweetness is no longer there, a trap is set instead. Crammed inside this jail, none of its kind can escape, they must wait to be set free by their own wit. As preventative measure we put all valuable and nourishing things inside unscented, tightly sealed containers which are out of reach to them. They no longer have anything to look for, and because their sight is impaired, their view of reality is distorted, and therefore they are lost until another one of us finds them....