My 2 Sense

My Sources:

1. "A Few Good Men? The Muslim American Woman's Dilemma" - http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2008/06/10/a-few-good-men-the-muslim-american-womans-dilemma/

2. "A Muslim Man's Response to "A Few Good Men" - http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/a-muslim-mans-response-to-%E2%80%9Ca-few-good-muslim-men%E2%80%9D/

3. Life.


I think the whole marriage process in Islam is a seemingly organized mess. There are so many things I have been learning in the past few months with regards to categorizing people based on personal and societal choices and restrictions, that this marriage situation is becoming clearer to me. I hope I can communicate it to you all as clearly as it sounds in my head. *This is ~my~ opinion on the subject I'm gonna keep it real and honest...

With recent attempts by our Muslim communities and social networks to bring more understanding to the young folks with regard to the marriage process, I (and many others I'm sure) have left feeling even more confused and frustrated. Despite most things being very clear in Islam about prayer, fasting, charity giving, etc. we seem to be unable to really grasp the clarity of the marriage process. Our Prophetic tradition (may Allah Bless our Prophet and give him peace), does not go in line with the current American traditions that are here.

My BIGGEST frustration since becoming Muslim wasn't the praying, fasting, hijab, or keeping halal...it was figuring out interactions between men and women. In the end, no matter our position in the world or in this deen, we long to be loved. How, when, or who it is, is not a part of our knowledge until Allah makes us aware. But in the meantime, most of us don't know what the hell we're doing.

We want to be friends with the guy first, but then how do we tell them we're interested? What do we say? Do we ask them for coffee? Is that haram? So many questions, and a plethora of answers that can send us in circles with no end and no answers. What needs to happen (and I am willing to volunteer for this), is we need to understand 'the other.' We need to facilitate discussions with men and women present and ready to be real and help the other side understand, genuinely.

From the articles I realized how much we are wasting time if we are not being honest with ourselves. My mother and I spoke about my plans for the next year, and she bluntly told me, "If you want to get married then concentrate on that, if you want to go to school, then concentrate on that. I don't care what you do, but you need to make a decision." So there you have it. It is a choice you make. When you are really ready to be married, you will have no qualms about approaching a person or sending someone on your behalf. And the 'where are all the good men?' question is a cop out. There are some amazing brothers out here, some of which I know very well, and it is all a matter of time and space and intentions aligning with Divine Will. You can't manufacture or simulate that, you have to prepare yourself for when the time arrives. Be open to it. My mom tells me, "Look Single!" (lol)

We have to show a continual appreciation and admiration for the opposite sex. You attract what you send out. As the 'Muslim Man Response' post mentions "Where have the good Muslim men gone? The danger of this statement and mentality is that it is designed to reassure women that there really is a shortage of good Muslim men. This prevents Muslim women from understanding the reality of the situation; that for most of them, the reason they are still single is because of their past actions and their attitudes towards men and marriage." If you are sending out negativity, you won't have a positive view of the person you intend to 'get to know better.' Love the difference, love the polar opposites and complimentary actions and attributes of the other. A man's love and a woman's love manifests itself in different ways.

In recent conversations with my mother and uncle (paternal) they spoke about both of my grandmothers with such reverence and awe. Their ability to work, cook, clean, etc. with no complaint. It was just expected. When I asked them well why not me? They replied with a 'we don't want that for you.' It was a view of resentment for the expectations of my grandfathers. The unwillingness to help or make things lighter, but a blatant display of taking their wives for granted. This is something that I have kept in mind throughout my growth as a woman and as a professional. The 'Where Are All The Good Men' post made me rethink my goals when she said "I have no problem with a woman who chooses to be a wife and a mother, but I do have problem if she believes that is all she can be … or doesn’t define herself as accomplished until she attains her MRS. Degree.” All that to say, marriage shouldn't define you, it should compliment you and enhance who you are.

So, how do we get there? We start by building non-threatening friendships with people who we care about and enjoy. From there, I have chosen to make myself known as an ally and insider should someone need. I have become a database of information that stays confidential. I tell brothers if the conversation arises, that they can view me as a connection to the 'sister' world. If they have questions they can ask, if there is someone they like I can help, if they need advice, I will be there.

A community that is free from judgment and pressure flourishes with healthy relationships, including marital. We just have to relax and let Allah take control. We should start thinking about marriage and what we want in realistic terms (http://seastarmemoirs.blogspot.com/2009/03/simple-grocery-list.html). We have to consider what is in front of us and not doubt our ability to be happy or make someone else adore us. We have to be real with ourselves. None of us is perfect, and if we wait on perfection for ourselves or for others, it will never come. Perfection in humanity only exists in Jennah. I pray we all arrive there safely with our spouses and families inshaAllah Ameen.
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