There's an app for that! ...Right?

Shining brightly, the circle in the sky warms my cold feet. Too cold, too cold, is what those in black and old gold say, but this cold is repairable only by waiting. Watching nature watch me leaves me mesmerized and wanting more. Flying by the fall hued backdrop of travel, grumbling through back streets and alleyways - my mind is lost in mismatched thought.

Coming and going are the same at times, looking forward to the brick wall presented in front of me. Do I climb it, bust through it, build a house next to it, coat it with beautifully painted remnants of love, turn my back to it and walk away, walk along the wall until it ends and I forget where I am going, use it as endless paper and write my innermost desires and wishes, hopes and fears? Pretend it is not there?

At times healing means erasing, but most times it involves suppression. The enveloping and storage of delicate memories, feelings, experiences can make profound difference within and indifference without. Joining the inner with the outer while valuing the balance and importance of both is taxing on the body and the mind. The heart however, as delicate and strong as we make it, can at times: have all control - provide limitations - give jurisdiction - provide insight - and reveal what was thought to be hidden or forgotten.

Maybe healing isn't an option...maybe all that exists or is absent from us regarding love and our capacity or inability to do so makes us who we are. We shouldn't resolve to missing out on the joy of life, the joy of connections that run deeper than deep and are closer than close, the joy of love that is both genuine and true, the joy of loss and heartbreak that brings solace in knowing that you cannot control anything or anyone but yourself...

There is no 'app' for that, no app for life, for love, for healing, for direction, for change, for growth. We must APPly ourselves instead to reflection and be active in what happens to us, in order to improve our connections and interactions with the world and people around us in a positive way.

Doin....doin....

Stretching past your limits makes you stronger. Only when done with caution... Injuries are not welcome here.

Thinking past the vibes of life have brought me peace with my current existence. Aiming to breathe in and connect with each fleeting passage of CO2 bringing in the "O" giving to my blood, release and energy.

I tried to think in the dark once, however, my thoughts escaped because I did not record them. It is a wonderful experience to replay your thoughts aloud when no one is listening and when you are in the absence of light, enveloped in darkness. Feeling, experiencing, pushing through, keeping your aim as experience rather than end result will engage you in a trust. Breaking limits that could have otherwise been beyond your reach.

Awareness. Education. Growth.

Living in the moment, learning from your past mistakes and taking in the current events around you to inform your next move (pending their agreement with your consciousness)...and then moving, growing, becoming someone new.

Everything you see or do you are doing for the first time...you are not the same now as you were two letters ago, two seconds ago, two years ago. Embrace each new experience as it is because you are you, newer than ever, at this very moment, right now.

Eid-ing and Cleaning

There are times in life where you feel refreshed, renewed, and rejuven-ne-nated! Take full advantage. Times that give sustenance when you thought you had none, advice when you thought you didn't need none, solace when your heart was quivering and unsure what to do. Even deprived times of light and reflection guide you towards knowing that only you have the answer; that you must act to accomplish and make use of voice to proceed.

These are the times.

Pushing forward, celebrating daytime eating (Happy Eid Ya'll)...and at that very same time, looking back to see what progress has shaped the person you are today. Sankofa.

Watching flight from being stopped in traffic, I am in awe of the patterns the winged ones make. So telling of how life reflects nature and nature reflects life and how creation....manifests the magnificent power of The Creator. First, three groups in their own unison, all noting the slightest change in direction and following suit. They are united in direction but still having enough space to spread their wings, still individual, still having the freedom to be in their own beauty. Then, the three groups catch the same flow of wind, mindset, guidance, feeling, inclination, and become one. Soaring...musically, almost, changing directions with the flow of notes played at the keys that have provided the foundation for this naturistic symphony.

Knowing flight is one thing, but witnessing it with open eyes, heart, mind, soul and being present, makes all the difference.

So yeah, now to cleaning house....

Things are as they were. Slight changes but the cusp never moves. However... It Is Time to renew, to sort and rid of the nonuseful. From the bottom up and back down I want answers and/or closure to things buried and packed away. Clarity from boxes and uncovered things, and space in my mind to make room for what is to come.

Has anybody seen my Swiffer?! :)

Stretch Heartstrong

Listening for the beat, I am caught off guard with a message...

A message that brings comfort and makes elasticity strengthened and strong.

There are times in life where things seem to be more than what they really are. Times where things are less than what we want or desire or need to have.

In a month of less, in this month of more, I turn to Divine guidance for comfort and stability. An anchor, if you will, to help me see that what is really real, does not have a place here on earth. The truth is, that what is here, is necessary to reach what is promised. But within that, what kind of promise will you make? Will you honor the covenant designed for us, fashioned for us, waiting for us?

Scatterbrained with hunger, thirst, and yearning, I am working to find a place where I can express eloquently what my emotions are experiencing. A tug of war, a 'to and fro', a gamble, a prize yet to be determined, I am wavering in thought, but not in choice.

Unsure of the reality of tomorrow, of today, of tonight, of the next 10 minutes, I agree to accept what I do and what I choose. I agree to what will be and what will not. I am finding comfort in the Divine Decree. Something I think we all have to constantly struggle to accept and help facilitate.

A time of less of the permissible, and more of the essential, the time has come to once again, make amends with who we are, with who we've become, and with where we want to be when the things of this world can no longer benefit nor harm us...

Don't just stretch until you can no longer snap back, until you can no longer feel because your nerves have twisted and become non respondent to tears, until you have to wrap yourself around something so many times that you do not know where one side of you ends and one side of you begins....

Be Heartstrong. Show the strength to love and give what you have without giving up what you need. Be flexible enough to want more and be more to more people. Be you.

Throwback - Fall 2007

*Rose from my Grandmother's garden

Title: My Former Life...As A Rose

Bismillah (In the name of God)

Curling over the sweet smell, I hurry to embrace the next nose. Many pass by but few really seek the beauty that has been given to me. Folding and molding petals of silkened pearl colored skin, my cheeks are sometimes blush red. I intensify naturally, but the new cloning sensation has stripped me of my scent. Longing for sunshine and rain, I have blossomed into a full mass of curls that are used to decorate and enhance boring scenery. Pressed, I become re-usable on tables to add sweet smells to an empty place. Snipped and cut, I can decorate a man or woman without losing my identity. Dried and hung for memories to linger, I can remind you of when you smiled or when you cried. Falling beautifully on fabric, I enhance the patterns that are cut to form and reproduced for an endless ream of fashion. Mesmorized by the variety of colors I create, from pearl white to cobalt blue, natural and unnatural, cherised and thrown away, adored and hated, sweet smelling and distinct, I carry the burden of flowers, and began the struggle for the spotlight. My tireless beauty becomes weak, as my head droops from dehydration or lack of light and care. The end is inevitable unless firmly planted in rich soil.

CLE - "Going Places"

The slogan to the landing and launch pad of my place of origin and destination has become the current theme in this chapter of Forever Amber.

Two days past my decision, I am beginning to find the bitter sweet of what may take place. Closeness to those who are closer than close, distance from those who are a part of my spiritual upgrade experience... Listening to the quiet to come has relaxed me even in the busiest of streets and the skip stop announcements (missed because the shuffle played my favorite song too loud).

In addition to lately being enveloped within my thoughts, soundtracked by the notes of my favorite iTunes, I sit closer to dreams that have already begun to come true. As my dreams and I converse, the path becomes clearer and the passion more grounded. Reality as we know it is built for our success. The lines of communication are open if we are intent and listening to what is around us.

Living in a way that is bent on living for the goods...is not good. But if you strive for life within its limits and remain true to yourself and your limits, then living becomes bliss where the heart and soul can convene.

Regressing to the topic ahead and behind, I work to prepare myself for the challenges and blessings of home sweet home. Refamiliarizing mind and body to welcome family and writing have become my inspiration for moving forward. The small things heard about via wireless talk will become front and center and within distance to be heard in real time. Patience exponentialized will become priority for now as I prepare to set out on a journey to bring my heart to home.

The Name Game

1: to represent as similar

2 a: to examine the character or qualities of especially in order to discover resemblances or differences
b: to view in relation to

3: to inflect or modify

Definition for 'compare' courtesy of www.merriam-webster.com

To compare is to bring doubt of yourself and of your capabilities. The dissemination of knowledge can get lost in the scenes of double vision. What is and what is hoped to be. The loss of reflection is given flight and the eyes are now consumed with things outside of themselves.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but if your eyes are attracted to something you are not, then they eyes become the window that invites pressure and resistance. A rose is no longer a rose, it is something you wish you emulate, to become, to consume as your reality. Petals fall as you age and mature into stages unreconizable. After all, who recognizes a flower sans petals?

We must keep close the things that beautify character, the very things that bring us into congruence from disconnect, the important things that enjoin correct thoughts meeting correct actions.

The positivity within comparison is that which drives us to be unique and self-improvers, self-movers, self-motivators, self-sufficient, self-loving, self-strengthening...being, our-selves.

Be you, compare those very things that bring strength and prove beneficial to growth. Start what moves you and what makes you, what sets you a part and brings you to a higher state of consciousness and clarity, goal setting and accomplishment, awareness and realization.

Just flow...

*Instrumental - Nic's Groove by The Foreign Exchange

Unpleasant (making it minus the 'un')

It is not male or female, nor man or woman. It does not discriminate and can come at any age or state. Hurt.

There are times in our lives where we are hurt by others, ourselves, inward and outward, deserving and undeserving, inevitably unavoidable. It is written, "makhtub" for hurt to come and change us, to bind us, to break us, to mend and heal us, to free us from fear, it has a purpose and we must over come it.

Life contains expected and unexpected challenges. Those that we plan for and those that take us by surprise. The problem lies, when we become stuck in our state of sadness or pain so much so, that it stunts our growth. The venom of revenge boils in us and proves to be and additional parasite that eats at our happiness.

From this, we must look forward. Fulfilling our next dream, destiny, step and success...we must prove to ourselves that we can build and move upward. We must realize that time heals all things. To keep from sounding optimistic, I will say that the light at the end of the tunnel is not always visible, depending on how deep the hurt is for you. You must convince yourself, however, that there is a light, a Divine light that is urging you to come to greatness, to succeed.

If you are the helper to the hurting, a few tips:

*Be Private!!!! - Don't go running and telling Any One's business. PERIOD.

*Be Sincere - If you can help, help. If not, then say something encouraging and move on. No one hurting needs pity, they need support.

*Be Honest - Giving your honest opinion of the situation (emphasis on you saying 'your opinion') is key.

*Encourage Reflection - Ask the person to recount the story of hurt and let the person process their feelings about the situation and the actions contained. Don't press for information that you don't need (i.e. - names, location, familial ties...)

*Validate - Let the person know that you acknowledge their feelings. Many times, we disregard the hurt of someone we may see as very strong. So comfort and validate, all things can happen to anyone.

I could go on forever, but be a friend, encourage the person to live in the moment and in the present and to reflect on the lessons that can be learned and looked forward to.

Here are some quotes from a blog I frequent. I pray that may also touch some of you out there who are hurting or helping the hurt. Blog Address - http://lessonsoftheday.blogspot.com/

"The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well. Hurt is a fact of life. until we accept and allow the hurt as inevitable, we cannot begin to deal more effectively with the hurts of life. As human beings, we will hurt and be hurt. None of us is invulnerable. Not only do circumstances upset us, but we hurt each other, not necessarily intentionally or maliciously. We disappoint, criticize, oppose, anger, injure, and withhold from one another all the time.

"Because we refuse to accept and include hurt and the suffering that may follow as an inevitable aspect of human experience, hurt takes us by surprise and we never learn effective ways to deal with it. It is not wrong to hurt, but it is tragic that we let our reactions to hurt and our fear of hurt run our lives." [Judy Tatelbaum, You Don't Have to Suffer]

"We hold hurt as wrong. We think that hurt should simply not happen to us. We imagine if we were good enough or mature enough or strong enough, we would not hurt. Longing to be superhuman-----not human-----we deny the inevitability of hurting and being hurt. As a result we are outraged and often overwhelmed when we are hurt or disappointed.

"If we only accepted that hurts happen, we would be much more effective in dealing with them. Then we could freely admit to inflicting or feeling hurt. With such a consciousness, we could simply recoil momentarily from pain and not feel damaged by every hurtful event in our lives. We would certainly be freer to forgive and forget, the most powerful way we can overcome hurt." [Judy Tatelbaum, You Don't Have to Suffer]

Sin Sonido (Without Sound)

The very questions that we desire to answer or have answered can be inaccessible and un-figure-out-able, we must persevere. Delving into our own roots and dirt we must strive to build a knowledge base that can provide us with the 'know' how and come to correct conclusions.

The absence of silence in the city is making me crazy. I've clung to the familial, social and religious aspects to feed my insanity, but at times the silence is never enough to quench my thought-filled thirst. I then ask, from what others have already stated, why is it that I feel so alone in a city, in a place, where so many people occupy every single nook and cranny?! I am unable to cozy next to a tree of my own, due to the surplus of others who wish to enjoy the limited green afforded to us in this concrete jungle.

Caged birds forget how to fly. A singer in a room of loud music forgets her sound. Running in place is void of scenery and inevitably, moving forward.

Do not be afraid of the silence. Your thoughts wish to be loud and clear and HEARD. Gravitating to your dreams and facilitating goals that are clearly labeled and organized are your 'All Access' pass to happiness.

How do you know what you want unless you ask? How do you ask if you do not have time? How do you make time when you have so many other things to do? How do you do what you need to do, in order to make time? Now what? ...make time.

Persistence in all things linked with our Creator never fail. Goodness wins, always. Intention is key. We were not created to wait for things to happen. We were given intellect and consciousness which lead us into knowledge and light. The light of space and time to reflect. These reflections make for very clear plans of our future.

We listen to the cries of a child across the room, restaurant, street or train. We do not understand his/her feelings, wants or needs. It takes a personal connection of a parent or close one to really know. How do we then, expect to know our own needs if we do not even know ourselves?

Get to know that child, that inner being, your thoughts, dreams, goals, desires, wants, needs, fears...know them so you can respond to them, react properly to them, and plan for when your most wanted and desired things (of this life and the next) manifest themselves and penetrate your thoughts as reality.
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Fantasia

Hay un mundo de fantasia. The hold is muy fuerte. Pero.... Pues.... Podrias sobrevivir.

A world full of fantasy can cripple you if you let it. A friend once questioned aloud, "Does life imitate art or does art imitate life?" Well, what do you think? (This is a rhetorical question I might add)...

We are given reality mixed with fantasy every day. Love, Grief, Life, Death, Happiness, Struggle, and Triumph. It is up to us to decide what we take into our unconscious and what we leave to fly away into the world of fantasia.

Of course I've had my share of falls into the fantasy world, some hold on to me tighter than others...

Leaving behind a world of brutal criticism and unbelievable competition is a treat. Absorption in a song (Mo Better by Raheem DeVaughn), a book(s) (Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer), a movie (The Shawshank Redemption), a website (Zen Habits - Leo Babauta), in nature (Caumsett Park, LI), and of course, the constant streaming of your thoughts...can be, a wonderful "stay-cation" (lol).

Making decisions that go against the nature of Divine Decision is not the smartest thing to do in reality. Swimming in thoughts of fantasy or non-reality can influence you into wanting what you think you need, versus inquiring and striving with The Creator to make your plans. After all, wouldn't you consult your Guide before walking off the path? ...yes.

We waste so much time projecting our thoughts on what could be (future) that we totally miss...Totally...TOTALLY....MISS, what our today can bring us. If we spent more time watching the details and paying attention to the scenes, act by act for signs that show us what is to come, we'd be better off, better informed, and better PREPARED.

I mean seriously, how many times do we watch a movie more than once, only to find that we've missed intricate details that could have given us clues into what is next, or helped us to see more details and make more sense of what is happening? How much better off would we be using the reality of "paying attention to detail" to actually watch "art imitate life" or "life imitate art"...

I'll let you ponder on that, meanwhile, I'm going back to paying attention to the details that will inform my next move.

*The pic above is from Forks, WA (...yeah.)
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Familia

Family comes from the heart, from home, through religion, at work, in passing, and in the mind.

I find family in the most unlikeliest of places. Life has its changes and its benefits, challenges too. Family comes in and out of your life to give you what you need, exactly when you need it (also called Divine Intervention).

The key to maintaining this 'family' of many forms calls each of us to trust and respect. The stranger who alerts you so you do not forget your bag or umbrella -- there was an element of trust there. Someone who asks you what you need when you leave for your break -- caring. The disagreement over responsibilities and expectations -- honesty. Giving an honest opinion about someone's character or conduct -- transparency.

Every familial relationship is a delicate balance that requires give and take. There is no "I" in family (the "i" in family really means 'important')... :)

There are some friends in my life whom I've known for years and although we may have spent many many hours, days, etc. together, the ties still remain despite distance or frequency of conversation. These ties are a bond that does not require micromanaging, but instead, flourishes as a tree, needing only sunshine (phone calls, letters) and water (memories of days past). Have you watered your 'family tree' lately?

All this to say, treasure those relationships you have built, and don't waste so much time counting the rings on the tree (you did this then, where where you when...) but instead, inquire about how their leaves (emotions) roots (goals and aspirations) trunks (spiritual life) are doing. That way, the eternal rings of friendship can grow until you no longer think about the struggles or difficulties present, but you bask in the shade that you have created, together.

Brings a new meaning to the phrase 'tree of life' huh? :)

NYT Article - "What Are Friends For? A Longer Life"
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/21/health/21well.html
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My 2 Sense

My Sources:

1. "A Few Good Men? The Muslim American Woman's Dilemma" - http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2008/06/10/a-few-good-men-the-muslim-american-womans-dilemma/

2. "A Muslim Man's Response to "A Few Good Men" - http://goatmilk.wordpress.com/2009/04/07/a-muslim-mans-response-to-%E2%80%9Ca-few-good-muslim-men%E2%80%9D/

3. Life.


I think the whole marriage process in Islam is a seemingly organized mess. There are so many things I have been learning in the past few months with regards to categorizing people based on personal and societal choices and restrictions, that this marriage situation is becoming clearer to me. I hope I can communicate it to you all as clearly as it sounds in my head. *This is ~my~ opinion on the subject I'm gonna keep it real and honest...

With recent attempts by our Muslim communities and social networks to bring more understanding to the young folks with regard to the marriage process, I (and many others I'm sure) have left feeling even more confused and frustrated. Despite most things being very clear in Islam about prayer, fasting, charity giving, etc. we seem to be unable to really grasp the clarity of the marriage process. Our Prophetic tradition (may Allah Bless our Prophet and give him peace), does not go in line with the current American traditions that are here.

My BIGGEST frustration since becoming Muslim wasn't the praying, fasting, hijab, or keeping halal...it was figuring out interactions between men and women. In the end, no matter our position in the world or in this deen, we long to be loved. How, when, or who it is, is not a part of our knowledge until Allah makes us aware. But in the meantime, most of us don't know what the hell we're doing.

We want to be friends with the guy first, but then how do we tell them we're interested? What do we say? Do we ask them for coffee? Is that haram? So many questions, and a plethora of answers that can send us in circles with no end and no answers. What needs to happen (and I am willing to volunteer for this), is we need to understand 'the other.' We need to facilitate discussions with men and women present and ready to be real and help the other side understand, genuinely.

From the articles I realized how much we are wasting time if we are not being honest with ourselves. My mother and I spoke about my plans for the next year, and she bluntly told me, "If you want to get married then concentrate on that, if you want to go to school, then concentrate on that. I don't care what you do, but you need to make a decision." So there you have it. It is a choice you make. When you are really ready to be married, you will have no qualms about approaching a person or sending someone on your behalf. And the 'where are all the good men?' question is a cop out. There are some amazing brothers out here, some of which I know very well, and it is all a matter of time and space and intentions aligning with Divine Will. You can't manufacture or simulate that, you have to prepare yourself for when the time arrives. Be open to it. My mom tells me, "Look Single!" (lol)

We have to show a continual appreciation and admiration for the opposite sex. You attract what you send out. As the 'Muslim Man Response' post mentions "Where have the good Muslim men gone? The danger of this statement and mentality is that it is designed to reassure women that there really is a shortage of good Muslim men. This prevents Muslim women from understanding the reality of the situation; that for most of them, the reason they are still single is because of their past actions and their attitudes towards men and marriage." If you are sending out negativity, you won't have a positive view of the person you intend to 'get to know better.' Love the difference, love the polar opposites and complimentary actions and attributes of the other. A man's love and a woman's love manifests itself in different ways.

In recent conversations with my mother and uncle (paternal) they spoke about both of my grandmothers with such reverence and awe. Their ability to work, cook, clean, etc. with no complaint. It was just expected. When I asked them well why not me? They replied with a 'we don't want that for you.' It was a view of resentment for the expectations of my grandfathers. The unwillingness to help or make things lighter, but a blatant display of taking their wives for granted. This is something that I have kept in mind throughout my growth as a woman and as a professional. The 'Where Are All The Good Men' post made me rethink my goals when she said "I have no problem with a woman who chooses to be a wife and a mother, but I do have problem if she believes that is all she can be … or doesn’t define herself as accomplished until she attains her MRS. Degree.” All that to say, marriage shouldn't define you, it should compliment you and enhance who you are.

So, how do we get there? We start by building non-threatening friendships with people who we care about and enjoy. From there, I have chosen to make myself known as an ally and insider should someone need. I have become a database of information that stays confidential. I tell brothers if the conversation arises, that they can view me as a connection to the 'sister' world. If they have questions they can ask, if there is someone they like I can help, if they need advice, I will be there.

A community that is free from judgment and pressure flourishes with healthy relationships, including marital. We just have to relax and let Allah take control. We should start thinking about marriage and what we want in realistic terms (http://seastarmemoirs.blogspot.com/2009/03/simple-grocery-list.html). We have to consider what is in front of us and not doubt our ability to be happy or make someone else adore us. We have to be real with ourselves. None of us is perfect, and if we wait on perfection for ourselves or for others, it will never come. Perfection in humanity only exists in Jennah. I pray we all arrive there safely with our spouses and families inshaAllah Ameen.
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Do You Remember When....

When phone conversations were filled with life and with experience.

When I listened to everything you said without multitasking.

When I prompted meetings in cafes or over dinner.

When I began to create friendships in person...

When there was no internet that disconnected us.

When phone calls were clear because of a wall connection.

When hearing and listening were more important.

When sharing life was superior.

I remember when there was no pressure to imitate someone else.

I remember when breakfast was not on the run, but at the table.

I remember when the commute was a long walk through trees and nature.

I remember when being single was preferable and ok.

I remember when I lived alone. It was amazing.

I remember when working was exciting and fulfilling.

I remember when volunteering was about the people you serve and not about the administration.

I remember when I was appreciated.

I remember when compliments were genuine.

I remember when family was close.

Do you miss friendships that did not have conditions?

Do you want to walk along the beach and inhale the soft breeze of freedom?

Do you long for a time where people are genuinely and indiscriminately considerate?

Do you want your family back in your life?

Do you need to seek out others to fulfill your happiness?

Do you yearn for a time when people can just say how they feel?

Do you consult yourself before consulting others?

Do you rely on and ask God for all that you need?

Do you stop to feel the sunshine on your face or watch the rain as it falls from the sky?

Do you love unconditionally? (you should)

Do you remember when...?
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Squeak!

It runs along walls in darkness afraid of the light. It scurries and leaves traces of its travels and steals what it can through sneaky ways and quiet nature. You can hear it chewing softly as it leaves only crumbs for you. Listen. Can you hear it? Multiplying through forms unseen, there are masses of these that make women screech and run away. But its 'so cute' we say, not wanting to trap and dispose of it. It is masked in softness but inside they are all the same. Hearing the slightest noise is their protection. Available to move before you can, they escape as you draw near. They run. They run fast. Waiting for the right moment you let it take the bait. It is hidden and found where it looks and lurks and waits for the sweet treat to appear. But sweetness is no longer there, a trap is set instead. Crammed inside this jail, none of its kind can escape, they must wait to be set free by their own wit. As preventative measure we put all valuable and nourishing things inside unscented, tightly sealed containers which are out of reach to them. They no longer have anything to look for, and because their sight is impaired, their view of reality is distorted, and therefore they are lost until another one of us finds them....

Performing On Page...

I don't write rhymes, I write life...The metaphorical pen glides as quickly as I think or rethink my actions.

I bring melody.

Listing descriptions of what inspiration has grown in me.

I think loud.

But, write softly because I cherish the work that is presented in each word. Guarding it with personal ties, I cannot give it life because the ropes are tied too tight.

I survive.

Living past trials and through blessings, I keep finding myself misguided in my own guidance and listening for what is really real.

I bring awareness.

Pages on stage have no meaning until the breath is transformed into hearing. Gazing and moving are not enough. You...must...speak. Speak to what is within you and what is outside, what composes you even when you need to hide. You must speak freely not doubting your worth or skill, but know that easily, you must speak again...still.

I am motionless.

At each of the 17, I pause as told, now knowing that my eyes are on the prize once I continue to make amends with my soul.

I am new.

Each day I find it waiting, nothing is the same. We are pushed to the limits of the mundane and in order to keep it the same, WE have to change. Newness is relative, but I only know what I know and cannot speak in relative terms.

I make no sense.

Trying to provide the rhymes that don't form to sonnet visions, I leave the structure for another day. Writing life is like living it. There is no pattern, no blueprint, sometimes 'no sense' because as we know it sense ain't so common in these days of broke-ness.

I am done.
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R E Satisfaction P E C T

Satisfaction - beginning with the work of words that are defined by majority the first and second you see involve payment used to replace foul acts. Then you are introduced to what we know of it now, fulfillment of a need or want, state of being, a source, a means, of enjoyment. Compensation is to follow, something to replace one's legal obligation. And lastly, 'convinced assurance or certainty.'

Let's unpack this....

The definition of the thing that we want so badly in this life is primarily and secondarily informed by the wrong that one does, and by that person giving something of them self (in this case monetarily), they receive satisfaction. Hmmmm.....you still have to give to get? Yes. You cannot expect sin to disappear into thin air, you have to give and sacrifice in order to feel satisfaction.

Satisfaction is where need is met, following hard work.

After reading some inspirational writings in the blogosphere, I've found that 95% I agree with. Mostly due to my refreshed knowledge of the difference between the Creator and creation.

I press gently to find the solutions to my answers. Much like the quail eggs I cracked last night to make an amazing Afghani recipe that was given to me, I've learned that there are layers to life.

The shell, not so pretty, but protection for what is within. Thin and fragile if provoked, I try to crack it with ease of force. Layers internal that are thin but stronger have held inside, the delicate balance of heart and soul. The shell, lightly blue inside, is seen in beauty in contrast of the outer. Inside....a balance of clarity and sun - the mini version.

Life revolves as the yolk does, floating, protected, not knowing when it will be cracked. Not knowing if heat will reach it, but floating anyway.

There is more to it than this, than we think, than we feel, than we are. There is more to feeling than love and hate. There is contentment. This is what is valued most, what is the prize of this life. The constant listening of what is next, what is near. Not rushing or overanalyzing the hardships, but instead welcoming them.

What would that be like, if you welcomed something that was a hardship? Are you crazy?!? No, that's exactly what makes you sane. Acknowledging your difficulties, making a strategy and plan of action, strengthening your game, praying more, working harder, crying more passionately, living more fully.

Make satisfaction count, feel it when you're not even satisfied....
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Monday...come on in

As I sit in front of my 12" screen, I am filled with the sweetness of meal's end. I've identified next steps in plotting for plan B. Becoming a listener, I watch for the signs of nature to bring me nearer to what matters most. Is it my location or my status or my profession or my passion that drive my intentions.

Taking time to come into the solace of home, I hear the darkness that calls me into the living room. The dimness effects my mood and I am inclined to turn on every light...but that would be disruptive. I must then turn to the outside hour change to give me what I need.

Something to call my own, I test and taste new recipes and search for more that will compose the multiculturalism that I feel inside. That is not understood my majority. That is overlooked by minor details. That is used as a misconception when insensitivity is placed in front of open mindedness.

Within 6 of these I have to choose to stay or go. Heavy on the heart is the decision to work with what I am given or push to the limit for what I want. Inching towards the choices presented, I will choose what has been written all along.

Prepare for the beginning or end of my journey...
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Throwback - Spring 2006

Title: Sha’r ~ Ism (Hair-ism)

*Beauty has become the unconscious voice of America.

*I have silenced it.

*My thoughts have become loud and with the aid of scissors, and now heard by you.

*I chose the choice to cut the conscious effort of societal chains…

*I have made a difference.

*The lengthy security blanket of confidence is what I wore.

*Long enough to entice, and just too much to ignore.

*Naturally curling on fingertips or straightening its ways when told…

*I was in love.

*This love embraced womanhood and I briefly became un-feminine by my actions.

*As far as I’ve learned, femininity is not womanhood, and beauty is NOT at surface level.

*I have tried to realize that conformity is not an option for me.

*Accessories out of the norm have adorned and clothed me in past years, but I have now realized that I have become naked with confidence.

*Releasing layers of uncertainty and levels of insecurity, I have become the woman I have always wanted to be.

*Living for me and knowing how to free myself from societal chains.

*I have rearranged my view to see as others cannot, and view what others will not…

*I have found courage.

*Leading on leaflets and overpriced opinions I made my gauged coordinates for the perfect shot at freedom.

*But I was wrong.

*I sat and waited as my previous personality was shifted and scripted to become something new.

*My ideas were restructured, and the bulls’ eye was closer than I had imagined.

*I chose to finally let go of the arrow I kept so long, and make wavelengths in a revolution that I fought on my own.

*My eyes were more brown and beautiful after the battle, and I found myself more deserving and ambitious.

*I let my inhibitions and insecurities be swept away with the morning trash to never see them again.

*I was finally free.

*My shelter was no longer there, and I was then gently placed outside of that box I had previously been kept.

*Choosing a choice that is character changing, mind-blowing, question provoking, inspiring, and dangerous at times is difficult…

*But I did it.

*Leaving behind what was holding me back has proven to be the best thing yet.

*Letting this weight drift away was something I saw but didn’t expect.

*But it was respect that I received when asked to explain what that war meant to me.

*Making this visual statement of unseen security has left me forever changed and challenged to become who I wanna be.

*Its amazing that this premeditated and conquered war kicked up such a fuss, when all of this began with one..simple…haircut.
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A Simple Grocery List

I've done this before, but somehow this time its different. The basics are usually eggs and milk, sometimes bread for the freezer. There is always so much to choose from, that its best you don't go when you are hungry and uncontrollable. You should go when you have been satiated from what is divinely presented before you.

...So, I made my list, checked it (I won't say how many) times, and am ready to depart. No one told me I'd have to carry my groceries when I moved to NY. So I got a cart to help. I get there and am excited by the presentation of things. The finely pyramid-like oranges and apples, the garlic thrown in a small basket, surrounded by fallen coverings, and the cilantro, dew covered, from a recent mist of water.

Now the question at hand. Do I grab whatever I'm in the mood for? Do I just plan for my evening meal or do I select things that will last...rice, pasta, oatmeal, sugar, flour? I can always get fresh fruits and veggies each week.

What about ice cream? You gotta have ice cream! :) I'll try a pint this time, don't want to over indulge...

Relationships are just like this. It takes time and meditation to find what you need. Do you want to make a meal or do you want to save for the future? What are healthy choices? Should you listen to what others say in your immediate circles or media outlets? Who makes the decisions, who makes the list, who does the shopping, and are you paying with cash or credit...?

Maybe you'll just buy lunch until you are ready to cook a wholesome meal, or maybe you'll order and have it delivered, that is, if you get the contact information right.

Whatever the case, savor each moment of eating (married) or shopping (single), and realize that the benefits are secrets within each and that you deserve what you decide...so check your list carefully and don't rush into line, you just might forget something you need the most.
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Smiling Frustration...

LOL...Can't believe I'm taking this as a vision of what it is really like. Flying with wings detached from earth and soaring through endless skies, I determine what is really real and what is really wrong. I keep 'lol-ing' because 'this can't be life, this, can't be love' still has remnants in the recesses of my mind. Keeping with the flow of the moment, Teedra says what she feels and how simple it is to sing it, or write it, or pray it, right?

Making lists of what fits and what doesn't, doesn't cut it. There is no 'blueprint' no way to properly disguise feelings into nonexistence. Reflections of me in the mirror bring questions of how feelings are portrayed in space, in time, in life. Listening to the faces of others, I soothe the weak and heal the sick in my chatty ways. Residing within the time frame allotted, I realize the difference between the living and the dead. The limited time that is wasted on wondering and pondering on things so superficially - superfluous. Really. I mean c'mon, how can you justify the love of something that will perish over something that WILL NEVER CEASE TO EXIST AND HAS BEEN HERE BEFORE THERE WAS EVER A SINGLE CREATION. ...read that last line again....ok one more time...do you understand it!!! ...wow.

Tears reach the cold face of the woman who feels the weight of love calling her to submission. She contemplates what will bring healing, and realizes it is the one thing that hurts her. It is love. How can we bring this to fruition? Must we wait and Wait and WAIT...! Oh, hell naw. Why should we have to?

As a person told me once before....'how will what you say change what God has willed to be?' So there, I said it. Won't you...?

Twittering, Facebooking, GChatting, Coversing, Blogging, Tagging, Liking, Commenting, Poking, BRB-ing, LOL-ing, DOT DOT DOT-ing, Waiting, Living, Loving, Feeling, Typing, Watching, Waiting some more..., acknowledging what we know and what we wanna know through what we think we know and what others tell us we should know, rambling and writing like this flow right here brings solace and brings the reader to know that your, yes yours, yes you - your feelings are justified. Your feelings are important. You are worth it. You deserve it. It will come when it is written to come. You will find happiness. You will.

A wise man said to me, 'just like every piece of furniture is in this apartment, its supposed to be here. Just like your life, everything that is supposed to be there will get there.' So quit lookin at the puzzle and just start putting the pieces together!

Believe it. Live it. Take it when it comes. Quit wastin' ya dang on time.

...check 'Complex Simplicity' by Teedra Moses
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Fuzzy Wuzzy was a feeling?!?! ...what!

Yeah, so fuzzy wuzzy was NOT a bear first. It developed from this:

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy, was he?

To this:

This feeling of love has become an animal that is larger than I expected. It traveled to me loudly through pictures and films, but is now becoming closer in view. I know what it looks like, but I am afraid to get up close. It bites, you know? You have to be careful of things if you are unfamiliar with the reality of them, the unreality of them, and the realness that can inhibit you from thinking straight or seeing or hearing straight.

But then you see that up close this said 'monster' is a gentle thing, full of hopes for tomorrow and affections you adore. Noticing the love that everyone talks about in your own life can give you peace, or confusion or distraughtness....you decide. It is meant to bring better understanding of the greater love that we receive through provision and breath and becoming alive.

It is up to you to decide if fuzzy wuzzy the feeling was indeed a bear, was he?
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Quit Wasting Your Time

We waste time worrying about where we're jumping instead of preparing ourselves for the fall. The falling takes no effort, the jump does.
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Sharing is....

Caring for those that you hold dear is the exemplification of the art of love. Listening and talking and writing and typing and chatting towards truth and understanding are necessary to the journey of healing. Blogging past what has been and become of you, only to write and read and revise what has became you who you are is the way. Working through the trenches and viewing the ugly mud of emotional baggage makes you heavy...keep going.

Inviting life into love is the way. You cannot love until you live. Microemotional stresses bring Macroaggressional results. Be wary of what you let affect your state. Take glory in protecting your happiness and share it as soon as you feel it. Spreading the love like Land O' Lakes is layering sweetness with cream and salt. The sweetness of faith is always there, the cream like a constant you that is softened with patience, and the salt that is sometimes there, sometimes not, most like the trials of life - they too will pass.

Letting raindrops carry emotions through the air on a two way street, take time to gaze at the wonders of the world. Each little thing that we overlook is viewing us as superior. Missing the importance of what makes the world work and the provisions we are GIVEN and that we sometimes destroy, is in need of reassessment.

You have to give to get these days, but we should practice a state of giving with no expectations of return. Genuinely taking should inspire genuine giving that brings smiles and laughter to the ones we know and know not.

Smiles are free...so why do we constantly use more muscles to frown at the world? We take our trials on the defensive instead of being welcoming...Welcome your trials with an active preparation to be changed for the better. Develop a plan of action, send a smile, give someone your heart, send a donation, send a letter, send a text, an email a good thought....send love.
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Inspiration

Things have crossed my mind attempting to penetrate my thoughts. I tried to reconnect with them, but I became busy and too important.

In taking time and listening to what others say and don't say, do and fail to do, I try to find the spaces inbetween and look for solace and peace.

Intertwining the mind with space and life, I cling to what astonishes me. The things that drive my day to day operations have become distinct and filled with a desire to record everything. A desire to communicate everything to this world and give meaning to the things that are incapable to be explained.

Quietly I bring write to life and recast the characters into a rerun that I hope to use as a acknowledgment of reality.

I type.

Writing is more than just a moment, it is a choice. It is a time to reflect on life and publish it to the masses. A choice to give life to what others believe is myth. A choice to write the right words in the right space for the right time in the right mind - set.

I learn...

Impressing me and others, I read the work of those who have come before me and stare in awe at the pages. Learning from forms of writing to places of reference, I have begun to see the skill it takes and the skill that lacks that makes a poet, that makes an artist, that makes one - make prose.

The prose that begins and ends with pause. That is intertwined and unable to be disconnected with feeling, they type that brings solace to grief, and increase in love. The kind that slices silence and brings awareness. The seal of wax stamped on a scarlet letter "A" to be exact. The way that brings the "sham" to "wow", absorbing more than you think it can, and releasing more than you think it will...

...wow.
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La la la la la....

She says, I say it, others say it too...but not like us. It is when things are good that we quote this, when we are feeling the need to lighten up a mood that has brought us grief we quote this. We quote this in caring and affection, and in a weird communication to the other that contentment is reached.

I am thinking today of the times where I have hummed or sang snippets loudly and with joy. Times where I remember the days of stress and the happiness that made it weigh less on my shoulders.

My mother is coming to town and I am excited to see her. She is coming despite her newly discovered fear of flying, recently induced from the news coverage of plane accidents. She will be 48 this year inshaAllah, and she is still full of all of the hopes I have for her.

I of course like to reflect in the moment of now, and realize that I am not as comfortable as I thought writing instead of 'prose-ing' because it requires more feeling. It is more current and bathed in 'right now' thinking. I am usually the type to reflect on something and then write, so it comes out more profound I guess...

Yeah, so I guess I'll put my coat back on until I get more comfortable with this and prose for now...

Listening to the bumpy sounds on my way to 'blog' I wonder if it ever will be? Unsure of what is acceptable to be made public or said, I tried it anyway. Still unsure of clear thoughts and reminiscence, I think I will leave the deep writing for my life story. For now, the prose intellect will be manifest through these paragraphs of consciousness.
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Taking Off My Coat...

Listening to the softly sounding but harshly blowing wind, I come inside to settle down. Longing to write feelings that are clear and constructed, I have to first take off my coat. Beginning to look around and find a spot to sit and write, I survey the area for pieces of familiarity. I keep it brief as I write during hours that are not all mine. I will prepare in a few to take off my coat, to remove my pad and pen and begin to share.
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DISsin' the unCONNECTED

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus
*Not able to embed, sorry folks*

So yeah...in a time where wireless means connected and online means available, we have lost touch with what is natural. As we walk closely towards our end times, we look for things that give us immediate benefit and gratification. We do this all the while knowing that our good actions and generosity will be assessed later in the afterlife. How can this be? We look at the urgency of our needs and forget the urgency to depend on the One on who WE need. Forgetting the ones outside of our own minds, we lose connection with communities and believe that we can depend on a fruitless relationship. Take time. Time for asking and listening, for reflecting and devotion, for recognizing nature and inhaling the air of this earth. It blows and exists and has been created to help sustain us during our brief time here. Stop and feel it on your face. It is real and has no color, you cannot catch it or dispute its beauty. We spend more of our time texting and less writing, more thinking and less doing, more dreaming and less feeling, we have lost the essence of life through the things that have been created for us to use to live...then so, how much living are we really doing? Insert status here ______________________.
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And All That JAZZ

Went to a jazz show last night and it was great...music is a wonderful thing
Details and listen to a clip - http://www.jalc.org/concerts/details3.asp?EventID=1581

The result of that inspirational sound:

Blowing in the wind, I enter the exit of the privileged. Clicking towards the backstage, I see him...the epitome of a man that carries burden and trial with grace. A man who works for what he loves and what flows natural. Jazz. The surprise is a ticket to a life changing event. Jazz. Floating on the 'Blue Note' I sit center, upstairs, but feeling like front row. Watching the lights dim and strengthen with each set change, I give an open ear and heart to the lyrics that talk of love lost and refound, of things unfelt and unchanged. Of life. Jazz. Some slow tempo, some upbeat. All...that...Jazz. Not sure from where it came, but it seems to unconsciously unite some who have been at odds in past. The black and the white harmony coming to surface and bringing light to what is heard. An invisible thing sound is, but yet it penetrates the solid and makes the solid, fluid.

The chemistry that flows inbetween, the respect and attention given to the soloist, the harmony that communicates volumes, literally. Personally sharing struggles and compliments, each piece is poetic and composed carefully. Following notes gliding on scales along with improvisation that needs no explanation, applause fills the gap.

Sitting alone, next to my coat I enjoyed being welcomed into this experience. Listening and watching changes happen both with them and within me, I come to understand the importance of being cultured. Not only knowing your own but opening your mind to others, understanding the new and different and only taking those pieces that satisfy the moment. Not overindulging to bring boredom, but savoring to bring awareness.

Let this be an inspiration for those who don't and a validation for those who do -- try something new...
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Gliding without wings...

Fluttering by, I begin to encompass the striking visibility and invisibility of me. Some of me is seen, some unseen, but all felt by those who are close. Riding on a wave, I avoid the people that may fall into my sting, hoping that they are not hurt by the extension of who I am. Gliding right, I struggle to keep myself clear of everyone, longing to float alone. Oooops...I stung him! Lengthy arms use to hug and endear, sometimes even devour, I wait patiently as they follow my lead. Swimming up and down and left and right, I try to lose direction in any way possible. Not diluting my purpose but influencing the nature of of others, I stick to what is clear and to what is true. Some see me as calming, some - electrifying, some - terrifying, some - beautiful, some - elusive...all aspects within reach and extending far beyond what you see, reaching deeper than you realize, until it is too late.
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